Exposed yet Sheltered: Part 2 — The Cosmic Security Detail
Oftentimes when we talk about healing work, we focus on the shadows, the hurt, and the pain. We try to be grateful for the lessons, and though we admit to the good times of the past we rarely take the time to digest the small, beautiful details of our past—the "sparks" that strengthened us and brought us joy through all the times of our life.
I’ve been reflecting on this since January, and I caught a glimpse of something I never fully recognized before: how deeply sheltered I have always been. While Part 1 of this blog dealt with being "exposed yet sheltered" from the perspective of hardships and trauma, Part 2 is about the accidental "shelter" that kept me safe while I was navigating life.
Growing up, I often questioned if I was left unloved and abandoned by my family, but I’ve accepted that we all tried our best in the best way we know. Our emotions are ours to work through, not for others to fix. Our presence is for us to enjoy, not for others to entertain. I concluded that I was very well loved but that it was just a matter of preferences of how I allowed myself to be loved and what kind of vibe I allowed myself to be around. This is where my boundaries come in.
Growing up, I often assumed I was just "invisible" to my peers. I never had a boyfriend (by choice given I had already made the decision to be alone since a young age); Though I've been approached throughout the years, my first instinct was always to question their intentions: “Why? What exactly do they want from me?” I used to think no one liked me. But looking back at the math, it’s almost hilarious how the universe conspired to keep me in a "Family Bubble."
Reflecting back, I wondered if I was too spoiled, like, “Was I a spoiled brat?” From 1st grade through college, I was never truly alone. Whether it was being in the same class as my cousins, having an uncle sitting a few desks away in 5th grade, having long-time friends or family figures around, or discovering that my new college friends were actually distant relatives—I was walking around with a built-in Security Detail. I didn't realize that to the outside world, I wasn't "invisible." I was probably just intimidating. I was the girl who was either always busy or was with the "bodyguards" regardless of gender.
It didn't hit me until after the pandemic (2021). People in my inner circle kept asking me, “Did you notice that people are always looking at you?” Then, at a reunion a few years later (2023/2024?), a high school classmate said to me, “I thought you and (so and so) were together back then. You guys were always together,” that I realized, “Oh! She was our peer for 6 years (from middle through high school) and that's how she perceived our dynamic.” This was the moment that triggered me to really reflect back on the good things I may have missed or taken for granted back then.
Growing up I always wanted an older brother. I was the oldest of 5 brothers and 1 sister. On my dad’s side, I was the oldest of my cousins. On my mom's side, I was somewhere in the middle. Because I was always surrounded by a large male population, I was used to the mixture of seriousness and teasing, even with strangers out in public, I developed a very specific "User Manual" for life: The Brother-Zone. If a guy got too close, I didn't see a game being played. I didn't see any flirting. I simply "brother-zoned" them. I like being around them and turned it into a safe, platonic sanctuary. I remember telling my girlfriends that if a guy liked me, I’d reject him but offer him the "option" to stay friends if he could handle it. I never wanted a relationship to begin with anyway. I thought I was being logical; the guys probably thought I was a fortress with no door–—which now that I thought about it would explained the weird looks I got from a mother and a brother figures back in the days (high school?) when I told them I don’t want kids and that if that idea changes I can plan for adoption and then was asked, “Don’t you want to know what your partner would think?” to which I responded with, “I don’t plan on getting married. If I did, he would have to agree to just us or adoptions.”
(OMG! That audacity 😂 😂 😂. I was so innocent and blunt back then—It’s kind of embarrassing given that there's been a system override recently within the past few years 😂 😂 😂. I mean I am still blunt, probably even more direct now, but dang! I was feisty even back then 😂)
The more I think about my past encounters with romance, I realized how much of a romance rookie or how blindsided I was, even though I may have been quite an expert at life. It's quite hilarious.
A friend and I once had a conversation where we agreed that if we were put into a room full of half-naked guys, she’d be the one drooling over their physique, while I’d be the one approaching them to say, “I like your abs. Can you show me how to get them on me?” I even shared this example with my brother and his friends recently, and they all thought I was weird. But to me, it's just pure anatomy—as someone who grew up with mainly boys and served as a first responder, it really is just anatomy. Everyone has the same body parts, just different sizes! Even the most “romantic” reactions are just biological feedback loops—half the time, the sounds people make in 'ecstasy' aren’t that different from the sounds they make in pain—just a pitch or tone higher or lower; it’s like a music session. It’s all just nerves and signals going on and off that makes people sweat and sticky like when they're at the gym doing a full body workout. But hey! I get it. I understand it's an act of sacrecy even though the truth is literal and funny.
(I know my life has been such a comedy! So, to anyone that has ever tried to thirst trap me, nice try!)
And speaking of biological feedback loops, even my personal stories are pure comedy now. Like the time (2016) a guy tried to take me on a "hidden date" to Walmart, bought me snacks (never touched it; forgot it at my uncle's place; only remembered it after he confronted me about it), and introduced me to his siblings (thank God his parents weren't home; this was the first time we actually interacted)—and I walked away thinking, "I'm not his girlfriend. But he can clear it up since he's the one who introduced me to them. I'm never going to see them again anyway." Or the way my uncles and cousins were cheering for him under the label of a "son-in-law" candidate upon our return while I stood there completely unfazed like, “A what? A date? That's not a date!”
When my partner and I first met (2019)—I was away from my usual tribe; and my partner, right away, silently took over securing my perimeter—through his lens—before a relationship was ever formed. I lived in such a state of “Accidental Immunity” that even the comfort and weirdness of this special encounter was actually something so much more—that only took me after almost 7 years to truly realize and accept that it may have not completely been platonic after all!
(I mean if it's not directly spoken it's better left not assumed, right?)
In my entire life, I've only confessed to 2 people—both through written messages—but that took place after a lot of distance, silence, and 3-4 years of fully auditing my emotions to ensure they were real and not fleeting, for my own closure of convenience—I don't play with emotions.
The first guy I ever confessed to (middle/high school?; confessed year 4 of liking the guy) the feelings disappeared after I confessed to him, before I even got the read receipt—I didn't ask for a relationship from him because obviously I wasn't ready (probably never at that point of my life) plus he was a friend's ex and a friend's brother—boundaries I don't cross.
The second person (2022, after 3 years of meeting him) I ever confessed to is my partner but with him, the emotions actually deepen without us ever having to do anything—again I didn't even ask for his emotional reciprocation, just a simple read receipt. The only difference with my partner was that what I felt for him was so intense it was suffocating me and I needed to breathe again so I released it through the confession. If I didn't need to breathe, I don't think I would have ever confessed, and surprisingly, even after the confession, the emotions continue to deepen—-I've never missed someone so much that the distance felt like a breakup and just the thought of him broke me into tears each time he crossed my mind. This was more of an act of surrender.
In my defense, I believe that confessing to someone is a great way to practice kindness.You get to remind them, one day when they're down, that they were once loveable and you get to wish them well because they had an impact on you—that’s why you like them in the first place, right?
Over the past 6 years I've been very intentional about how I celebrate my birthday. Being surrounded by the souls that truly wanted to celebrate life with me but as I approach my 28th birthday this year, I want to open it with this realization: this "shelter" wasn't a sign that I was "spoiled" or "broken." It was a gift. The universe gave me a tribe to be my shield so that I could survive being exposed yet sheltered by the chaos of life. Because if I wasn't comedically protected, who would have known where I'll be today?
I started getting courted even in the 1st grade by a kindergartener and what a great honor it was because each courtship taught me something about myself and my boundaries. Out of all the people I've attracted into my life, everyone “assumingly knew me” to a certain degree whether I knew them or not. Most of the people that were brave enough to approach me though never wanted to date me. They've tried to introduce me to their family and friends even before a first date. There were multiple occasions, in elementary school, where my peers would try to pressure me into relationships because they wanted me to have a boyfriend and again it taught me where my boundaries are.
Over the years as I allowed myself to slowly be exposed to the real world of dating—a few in-person approaches (less than a few days conversation—average 2 days max, less than 24 hours total) and trying online dating (2023) because I was still confused by the depth between my partner and I. I lasted maybe 3–4 days on Facebook Dating—most of which was just waiting for the profile verification process to finish. Within hours of actually talking to people, I felt like I was cheating on my partner and deleted the whole thing instantly. Since then, I've definitely been left with more questions such as, “I just want to be friends or meet people. Are relationships all people think about?” and “Do people just say whatever to get with the person?”
There was an instance a few years back (2024?) where the strength of my boundaries was tested and I had to defend my partner's position, a test of my loyalty. It was 3 against 1—one guy trying to ‘negotiate’ a date for 2027 despite seeing my partner’s photo, another waiting in the wings for his turn, and a third trying to ‘sell’ me on his friend’s homeownership and genetic potential. I had to shut them down with, “You never once asked me if I was interested. You only asked me if I have a boyfriend.” “Good I'm happy for him.” And, “I don’t like it. I don’t appreciate it. You need to stop that. You’re lucky my partner isn’t here.” It was the ultimate proof that the ‘dating game’ is just a series of people talking over your “No” until you make it loud enough to hurt. I left this 3 against 1 evening wondering, “He just told me another guy talked his ex into leaving him and he was mad, but now he's trying to pull that same trick on me. What the heck?!” And honestly, I'm just glad I never truly got involved in the game of dating. It's just not for me. That's a bullet I’ll gladly keep dodging for the rest of my life–no questions asked. If it wasn’t for my partner, romance would have never appeared on my life list.
In greater perspective these experiences reminded me that sometimes the hardships of life can blind us in so many ways. Like, how, in 2025, someone had tried to sell their friend to me with, “He loves his family and friends,” and I responded with, “That's ok. My partner loves me more."(The audacity in me 😂). I think it's important to be so grounded in who you are, even if you're confused or feel lost at times—knowing that even if you lack something, that lack doesn't make you any less but that it's a chance to be able celebrate others on their success—and it's profoundly important to remember that even if there's a lack, you rightfully and innately are capable of being able to get what you are missing, if you truly want it, without the need for any games or transactions.
The experiences were definitely eye opening. However, the more I reflected on this topic the more I questioned if I had been ungrateful for the people in my life, especially my shield, but I comprehended that I wasn’t ungrateful. If I was ungrateful, I wouldn't be asking about this, right? Instead, I was deeply unaware and just very protected that I became a bit blindsided. And that it was a great honor to be able to, hopefully, be a safe harbor for those who interacted with me during those times.
Today, I look back with an immense appreciation for the "sparks" that kept me whole and joyous. I am beyond blessed to have remembered a partner who speaks the same "language of home", and I finally see the charm in the "Intimidating Sanctuary" I was gifted with. It was never a fortress to begin with. Fortresses are meant to defend war. Sanctuaries are to protect peace.
So much trust has been broken growing up, leaving me to be afraid of people—the main reason I closed myself off to even begin with—especially romantic entanglement with the opposite sex, because of what I saw in my own personal life. There were so many times where I thought I may have broken my own heart or abandoned myself, but this reflection reminded me that sometimes, we're subconsciously being guided to guard ourselves because deep down we know something better is coming, and that the "No" and the silence we hear from the world is just the universe’s way of saying, "Not yet. You’re too precious to be handled by anyone who isn't brave enough to build a sanctuary so you can just exist.” In greater perspective, the exposure to relationships (those I've seen growing up and those during courtships) definitely confirmed I was right where I belonged all along. I was right to be a little guarded.
To Team Remember, MK:
Thank you for dealing with my stubbornness. I appreciate you guys for everything you do for me and for all of creations. I am especially grateful for your very own existence. Honestly, I don’t know how you guys deal with me, I’m kind of over myself most days. I know I can be a bit or overly logically redundant at times, even though I know you guys probably find me hilarious 90% of the time because of that. But still, thank you for being part of my team—-for choosing to guide me. I couldn’t have asked for a better team. I wouldn’t want it any other way.
To the bodyguards in my life:
I appreciate you for your very own existence. Over the years we may have become distant as we navigate our own life but while it lasted, I hope I was able to pay forward the friendship and the safe harbor you've provided for me back to you. You probably never knew you were my guards or my “boyfriend” (I didn't either) but while it lasted, thank you for silently rejecting people in my stance to protect this sister (from another mother) of yours until she was strong enough to handle the rejection for herself and ready for a partnership by choice.
A friend once said to me, “You're more of a gentleman than I am,” and though I appreciate the thought, I'm glad I got to practice it on you before I retire from the role. I hope as you continue your life journey may the nurturing gentleman in you find its way to heal alongside who you are today.
Also, I apologize if I kept the girls away from you while we were growing up. My bad. Now that I'm out of the picture, go get them! I'll be waiting to meet my sisters-in-law.
To my partner:
Thank you for literally everything: the good, the bad, the ugly, and all of you, especially the silence and the distance. Almost 7 years in the making and I’m still becoming a better person everyday even if it’s just at the thought of you. Every time I think of you, I question myself, “Why would someone, so perfect, like you want to be with someone like me, (I know I’m adorable and all but still)?” “Like what? All of that handsomeness chooses all of me! Me?! What?! Me?!” This is something I still can’t seem to be able to wrap my head around and I don’t think I ever will. But then, that just goes to show that only two people who are ever as crazy enough about each other—like you and me—were truly made for one another. Because it’s home. Looking back on everything, it’s such a rom-com. Though it took me almost 7 years to realize and truly accept everything, piece by piece, your patience never withered. If I could do it all over again I would, as long as it’s with you, because out of all the love stories I’ve heard, ours will always be my favorite. You will always be my favorite lead. Thank you for never once giving up on us, for choosing me, and for simply being you.
To the company I’ve kept:
Thank you for your presence. By being in my life, you give me a glimpse of qualities I value, helping me understand what I truly wanted in a partnership before I ever stepped into one. Your friendship was the mirror I needed to see where I stood.
To my admirers:
Thank you for adoring me before I even could look at myself and love the girl I saw. When my eyes finally landed at my reflection, I finally saw what you were looking at. You reminded me that I was loveable all along. As you evolve through life, may the love you seek finds you along the way.
To the people I ghosted on Facebook dating:
It wasn't you. It was me. Sorry for the sudden appearance and then deletion. If you somehow ended up reading this blog, now you know why. I may not remember your name or even the content of our conversation, but it was nice meeting you. I hope you were able to find the love you were seeking for.
To all:
I apologized for the damages my bluntness may have caused and for any confusion I may have provided. May it teach you something like how it has taught me.
Dear me,
To the girl who was the 'oldest of many' and the 'anchor for all.' To the big sis: You finally get to be the one who is held. The sanctuary didn't just keep people out; it kept your heart safe until the person who knew the secret knock finally showed up. Told you it was worth waiting for!
But in all seriousness, I'm extremely proud of you, sis! The door may have been closed long before you realized any of this and when the tarot reader told you back in 2017/2018, “..One day you're going to have to choose between 4 people…choose the one who loves you most.” Even though you tossed that information away like it was nothing because you had already decided to be alone and you're thinking to yourself, “No way. Who? My guy friends? They’re my brothers. They know where they stand.”
Or, when our team, in 2021, told you that our partner is your “Gift” for going through our spiritual journey and you woke up and told them, “You guys can take him away. He's already no longer in my life,” but here we are today! Clearly, our team consistently delivered their verdict even before they responded to your logic in 2021, “Exactly one year from now we're going to prove to you why you would want him,” and they repeatedly proved you wrong before you were even born, especially since 2016, because look at what happened! Even when the elderly monk, in 2023, asked you 3 times (in Laos) if you are “Married” and when you consistently told him “No” (in Thai),
he, the elderly monk, asked you (in Laos):
Have you met your Faen (แฟน)?”
You:
Yes. We've met…but, we are not in a relationship.”
(ใช่เจอกันแล้ว. แต่ว่าเราไม่ได้คบกัน.)
The elderly monk:
“Where is he?”
(เขาอยู่ไหน?)
You, confusingly:
“Well… obviously, he’s at his house.”
(เขาก็อยู่ที่บ้านของเขา.)
Until you have no choice but to admit to the connection.
(😂 😂 😂 Still can’t believe I said that! But seriously, how does one respond to that? I mean, technically, I’m not wrong, where else would he be? If he’s at a place of comfort, a roof over his head, then he’s at his house! 😂 😂 😂)
The jokes were purely on us!
You not only recognized someone special, but you proved to yourself how capable you are as a partner and an individual. Keep on being amazing, sis! Thank you for being you.
💕 Much love!
Mai Ka (MK)
And, honestly life hasn't been all that bad! Everything felt like an overreaction. But, as my 6 year self once said to the kindergartener over the phone—at 10pm, “Who are you to call this late?! Don't you know people are trying to sleep?” or when my 26 year old self shut down a 2 hour courting conversation with, “You never once asked me if I was interested. You only asked me if I have a boyfriend,” a little stance goes a long way. It's better to get some sleep than to lose it over someone who only cares for themselves to begin with. So, stand firm in your boundaries my friends and choose your tribe carefully!
