Exposed yet Sheltered Part 3: The Logic of the Unconditional
For the longest time, I thought I was the illogical, emotional, and impulsive one. But, as I audit my life during these past 6 years, especially as I was writing part 2 of this unplanned series, I realized how intellectually logically redundant I have always been. The thing that stunned me the most was the very fact that I don't know how to “just feel”. I don't know how this came to be. It may have just been my nature. Part of it could have been my need to feel safe. I may have thought that if I could just categorize life into neat little boxes of practicality, I would be safe. I thought my logic was a tool I used to navigate the world.
I was wrong. My logic wasn’t just a tool; it was my ultimate shelter. I have just realized that I spent my life as a "Logic Addict," subpoenaing every emotion for questioning and running years of audits on my own heart. I thought this made me “reasonable,” "complicated," or "guarded," but looking back, I see the truth: my logic was the fortress wall that kept me from settling for anything less than my definition of sanctuary. It was the filter that allowed me to be "exposed" to the noise of the world without ever letting that noise touch my soul.
For as long as I remembered life and love was always transactional. From that I picked up that everything had to be a calculation: x + y = z. I looked for the variables and the "reasons" because reasons are manageable. Reasons have receipts.
In times of indecisiveness, I would constantly question myself, “What exactly do I want?” if I can't come up with an answer and I know I can't afford both, I rather not have any at all.
But then there is the math that just doesn't add up, no matter how many years and how much madness have passed—and yet, it’s the only math that matters. It forces me to want to understand my own heart. It made me question my own heart, “What does it truly want?”
It’s the math of my fur babies and my partner. With them, there is no "User Manual." There is no clinical explanation for why the sound of four paws on the floor or a silent presence in the room can settle a nervous system that has been on high alert since childhood. My fur babies don't care about my "logical redundancy," and my partner didn't need to see the results of my almost 7 year audit to know I was "home." They didn't care what I had to offer.
They are the only "data points" in my life that bounced off each other without needing a reason. They just exist. And in their existence, my logic finally found its limit and my emotions finally took over to explain the rest. In their presence I could just be.
With my fur babies, it started with a want—meaning the commitment was essential. But, the more I paid attention to how I am around them, the more I realized they are my place of rest. Each time I'm around them, each time my body wants to rest. It just calls for nap times. With them I learned the act of true unconditional love, especially after the countless times of life uncertainty. I would rather have them be safe with me than lose them to any sort of confusion—of rehoming that could possibly cause them irreversible trauma. In simplicity, I can't imagine my life without them, even though I know I'll probably be ok. But, I would rather not.
And with my partner, I admit that I fell for him (his side profile) from the very first glimpse. However, after almost 7 years since meeting him (through the distance and silence), I’ve come to realize that nothing he ever does could make the feeling that I have for him be any less (if anything I’d appreciate him more)—not his skills or his patience. Not anything he could ever offer me—though those were the artifacts my logic collected later (I see the importance of it, but it still feels redundant to me)—but because my intuition had already finished the math before I even confessed in 2022. Since then as I continued to audit my own emotions for him, it dawned on me that I woke up already deeply “in love” from day 1.
I used to be afraid of feeling things without a reason. I thought that a feeling without a "Why" was a glitch in the system. I even questioned if it's an “Attachment” issue. But the more I think about it I know it isn't a form of attachment—I personally don't care what they're like (I may complain but I'm not going to try to change them) or if they're with me—all I ever wanted is for them to be happy and well wherever they are.
For a long time, even if I expressed this thought out loud, internally, I sat with this thought constantly and asked myself, “It made sense to me, but does it really make sense?” And what I got out of this is that unconditional existence and unconditional love is the only thing that is truly audit-proof. If there is no reason for it to be there, there is no reason for it to ever leave, regardless of the reality. It isn't a reaction to a trigger; it is a state of being.
So, to my favorite big sis who thought she had to "reason" her way into happiness: You can stop now.
Yes, it took practice to trigger the feeling of “how it feels” and “is it truly it” but just because it took time and practice doesn't mean it requires a reason besides the truth itself—that it exists.
It took you almost 7 years of learning how to allow yourself to just exist and to receive and you're still learning. There were multiple times where your ego took over with, “You know I hate relying on you,” or “I shouldn't be resting. It feels wrong,” or “Just because I can doesn't mean I should” and I don't know how much longer it'll take until you truly settle—where the resistance could bypass your mind without being noticed—but know you are doing great. There's nothing wrong with letting yourself be a passenger at home.
The "System Override" wasn't a failure of your logic; it was the reward for it. Without the triggers the feeling itself is still as valid. You are allowed to feel just because the emotion exists. Plus, you built a sanctuary so secure that only the souls with the secret knock—the one who speaks the "language of home"—could get in. You didn't "lose control"; you finally reached a place where control was no longer required for survival.
My logic sheltered me until I was strong enough to truly feel the truth and simply exist: that I am allowed to receive because I exist. And the souls who love me don't need a reason to choose me, to give, or to exist alongside me either.
The fortress hasn't fallen. It’s just that, for the first time, I’m not standing on the wall looking for threats. I’m inside, my sanctuary—in the garden—just being.
Where there's no more audits needed. I'm just home.
I may not know exactly where I’m headed. I’ve only been given glimpses and been told I’m ‘Done For’—-in a good way. I’m still learning to surrender to what’s to come because I have to co-authorized it but I’m nervously excited to see how the universe continues to surprise me with the unknown.
